Peter Pants and Captain Fag
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: Wet and Weedy Productions present a parody of and tribute to the innuendo fest that is Peter Pan. Mainly a parody of the sumptuous 2003 film, but, in passing, the equally promiscuous books are also mocked and loved.
1. Chapter 1: 'Tis poetry in motion!

(A/N: As the more attentive reader has already noticed, this is The Duchess' parody of and tribute to in particular the fabulous 2003 film of Peter Pan, and (to a lesser extent, but just as lovingly) of/to the absolute innuendo-fest that are the novel and the play of Peter Pan as written by JM Barrie. It is based mainly on the very unhealthy thoughts that this film- and the books too- provoke. Remember; this story is not for the faint-hearted, but also bear in mind that I mock avidly, mercilessly, and passionately because I love avidly, mercilessly, and passionately. Thank you for spending your undoubtedly precious time reading this nonsense. Sincerely, The Duchess)

** Wet and Weedy Productions Present:**

****

** Peter Pants and Captain Fag  
**

_ Episode 1: 'Tis poetry in motion!_

Wendy Darling was a very ordinary girl, who liked to make up long, elaborate Freudian fantasies about her father. Er.......who liked to make up stories. Yes. And she also happened to be a wizard. Oh no, sorry, wrong fandom. Instead, she had two younger brothers, that she liked to play with. Very innocently. Honest. Even though they pricked each other with swords and whatnot. Anyway. Wendy had a mother, Mrs Darling, and, unsurprisingly, also had a father, Mr Darling. Her mother was beautiful and all those other things you expect a mother to be. Her father was sexually repressed, and therefore there was a strange tension around him whatever he did. They also had a dog who dressed up as a nurse, for some obscure, probably libido-related reason. There was a very un-canon aunt who sometimes came along to stress the extreme sexual repression of Edwardian society. There was also a strange, voyeuristic boy who came and watched Wendy and her brothers at night. All in all, it was a very normal and disturbing family. Let's get on with the story, shall we.

Wendy: "And now I'll tell a story about pirates!"

Aunt: "Oh dear, it's starting already. Wendy, I have to make you aware of your sexual attractiveness, even though you're only....well, young."

Mrs Darling: "Isn't she a bit young for that?"

Aunt: "Obviously not, if she's already making up stories about being kidnapped by pirates who want to plunge their hook in her."

Mr Darling: "Good point! We must immediately begin to repress it."

Aunt: "Lovely. So, why don't you start by tying up that provocative and irresistibly sexy dog nurse."

Mr Darling: "Excuse me?"

Aunt: ".....Nothing."

That night, the voyeuristic boy visited. He lost his shadow, which no-one noticed. In order to make the Freudian point a bit clearer, Wendy drew a picture of her in bed with the voyeuristic boy on top of her, which immediately provoked her teacher into appealing dominatrix behaviour. She also sent a letter to Mr Darling so that there could be a nice slapstick scene. Mr Darling, who was trying to chat up his employer, and was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the fact that he was so close to another man and the feelings that provoked, was only too happy when the letter, the idiot carrier boy, the dog nurse and Wendy arrived, in a beautiful slapstick sequence. Somehow this made him realise the importance of repressing sexuality and he tied up the dog nurse in the garden. Conveniently leaving his children easy prey for the voyeuristic boy, as he and Mrs Darling left for a party....  
  
A blob of light comes flying through the window of the nursery.   
Blob of light: "Ring ring ring. I wreck lots of things and still don't wake anyone up." 

The voyeuristic boy soon follows;  
Voyeuristic boy: "More slapstick! Shadow slapstick! How delightfully 1930s."   
The voyeuristic boy proceeds to have a slapstick moment with his shadow. This wakes up Wendy.  
  
Wendy: "Whoo, a boy! In my room! He's crying! He must be sensitive."

Voyeuristic Boy: "NO! I am not sensitive! I must show traditional masculine behaviour, but in a charmingly cocky and youthful fashion! Anyway, I am pretty enough to get away with it."

Wendy: "Oh, how charmingly cocky and youthful you are! I love you already. Tell me your name."

Voyeuristic Boy: "My name is......Peter Pants."

Wendy: "Perfectly wonderful. And so handsome."

Peter Pants: "Yes. Now let me kidnap you."

Wendy: "Okay! But be a dear and kidnap my brothers too."

Peter Pants: "If you insist. Oh, damn, I forgot to introduce that fairy. Tinkerthing."

Wendy: "Tinkerbell?" P

eter Pants: "Yeah, that one. Though, knowing her, she'll probably come and strangle you within now and five minutes."

Tinkerbell: "Ring Ring. Ring Ring Ring. Etcetera."

Peter Pants: "Er.... She says ring ring. Ring Ring Ring."

Wendy: "Right. Aren't we going to fly?"

Peter Pants: "Oh, yeah. Wake up your brothers then."

Wendy: "John! Michael! There is a half-naked boy here! And his fairy!"

John: "I feel sexually threatened already."

Michael: "Fun."

Wendy: "So, how are we going to fly?"

Peter Pants: "Well, first you need some fairy jizz.....er..DUST. Fairy dust. Yeah. And then you think happy thoughts, and off you go!"

Wendy: "Quite."

Wendy, John and Michael all have some fairy DUST, and start flying. Whoohoo. They fly all the way to Neverland, where the Michael Jacksons live.  
In The Meantime.... The dog, Mr and Mrs Darling all have a beautiful slapstick moment. They rush home to stop their children from running away with a strange half- naked boy and his psychopathic fairy, but alas! They have already gone. (A/N: Because of the Duchess' undying love for short, concise chapters, the story will continue in Chapter 2, where they arrive in the land of the Michael Jacksons, and the adventure begins....oooohohohohoh! Are you excited yet? You should be!) 


	2. Chapter 2: He's Back, The Fag With The H...

_Episode 2: He's Back, The Fag With The Hook  
_

The children have a jolly old time, flying through the streets of London, as one does, and through the universe, as one does, and then they finally arrive at the really shamefully beautiful Neverland. And what's that we see? Ah, finally, it is the Jolly Roger! And there we have the Mangy Comedic Parrot, an essential comedy element as well as a cleverly concealed plot device. The Mangy Comedic Parrot bothers Smee. It should be mentioned in advance that Smee is Nonconformist _and_ Irish....just a warning for the more easily shocked readers. Smee in turn goes bother Captain Fag.  
  
Captain Fag: "I do not like clocks. Do you like clocks, Smee?"

Smee: "No, I just like you, captain...eh, ach, ahem... I mean, I just like.....the _sea_. Yes. The sea."

Captain Fag: "Just the sea? Not my pornographic harness? "

Smee: "Well, ahem, yes, I guess that's rather nice as well."

Captain Fag: "Just nice? Not...threatening? Not.....intimidating?"

Smee: "Now, now, captain, stop arou....er, distracting me. I have come here to tell you that Peter Pants is back."

Captain Fag: "Oh dear. Let me get my telescope so we can ogle him." _(Ogles)_   
"Fetch Long Tom!" _(looking down)_ "No, not _that_ Long Tom, Smee."

Smee: "Sorry, Captain."  
  
_(up in the clouds)   
_Peter Pants: "I shall go tease Captain Fag. We know he wants me. Look, he's already aiming his big cannon at me.."

Wendy: "......Aha. Quite."  
  
_(down on the Jolly Roger)_   
Captain Fag: "Shoot him down, even if we have to ruin the ship in the process! It doesn't matter anyway, because the next time you see the ship the mast has been miraculously restored! So shoot! The cannon! The cannon on the ship! Ahem. I give up, I can't make this sentence innuendo-free..."

Pirates: "He's such a dangerous queen. We must obey before he bitches us into oblivion."

Captain Fag: "How dare you call me a queen! Or a bitch!"

Smee: "Er, Peter Pants is getting away, Captain."

Captain Fag: "I'll teach you, you posing somdomites....." (_wildly slays a pirate with his handbag.. er.....hook. We mean hook ) _

Smee: "Oh well."  
  
And so we leave the pirates to their own gay troubles, and have a look at what the Darling children and Peter Pants are up to....  
  
John: _(falling) _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Michael _(also falling_): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

John: "Captain Fag has some very big cannon balls though.."

Michael: "John, now is not the time for saucy comments..... We're falling to our deaths, remember?"

John: "Oh yeah. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!"

That's what John and Michael are up to....now what about Wendy?  
  
Lost Boys: "Our comedy stylings are so fabulous, they cannot be rivalled by the author. Oh, it's Tinkerbell!" 

Tinkerbell: "Ring Ring Ring."

Tootles: "She says: 'Ring ring ring.'"

Slightly: "Oh, it must mean we shoot that flying girl down."

Lost Boys: "Okay!"

They shoot down Wendy, who was for some reason hovering in mid air. They're very cute and funny in the process.  
  
Peter: "Whaaaaargh! I scream for no apparent reason. Where's Wendy? You didn't kill her did you?"

Lost Boys: "Ehm, well, actually we did."

Peter: "Oh, that's a bit stupid isn't it. Now she and I cannot play house."

Wendy: "Actually, I'm not dead."

Peter: "Oh, er, see! She's not dead, but gravely injured and shall surely not live through the day! Oh, what shall I do?"

Wendy: "I'm okay!"

Peter: "Alright, enough Monty Python references. I hate it when authors do that. Go on and be cute again."  
  
The Lost Boys are cute and funny for a while. They also display signs of a frightful Freudian complex, but then, everyone is this film has issues with that. Wendy discovers that her brothers have disappeared, and Peter promises to help find them. We shall catch up with them later, because, as we have to get all the way to the Black Castle scene this episode, we shall just skip to where we get to see where John and Michael have ended up now.  
  
John: "Hey, look, it's a giant crocodile. Let's do the old rock- monster routine, that's always a killer...Look at this funny rock, Michael!"

Michael: "Okay! Oh, what a funny rock! One, two, three......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S A GIANT CROCODILE!"

John: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RUN!"

Michael: "Oh no, we're falling again! And we're naked! And there's a girl ogling us! AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

John: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! God, do we ever do anything in this film but scream?"

Michael: "I don't think so."

John: "Great. We're the Ron Weasleys of Peter Pan. Fantastic."

Michael: "John, look, it's Captain Fag! We have to attract his attention."

John: "No, hold on, he seems to be pre-occupied with that weird pervert girl."

Captain Fag: (_in his lovely palanquin and smoking his two cigars at the same time)_ "Stop, man-slaves. I see a girl hidden in the bushes."

Pirate 1: "Say, Pirate 2, don't you think it slightly disconcerting that we are being captained by a man who smokes two cigars at the same time?"

Pirate 2: "Well, as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But possibly that doesn't go for men who call their sailors 'man-slaves'. Anyway, let's just get him his girl." _(they take the girl to Captain Fag) _

Girl: "I wonder what they teach at public schools that causes you, with an entire Eton education behind you, not to understand what I'm saying, whereas that Irish idiot does understand it."

Captain Fag: "Don't ever insult Eton in front of me, princess Lilywhite or whatever you're called again.. And as for what they taught me there........let me show you...." _(proceeds to do kinky stunts with his hook) _

John: "I say, this is a children's movie!"

Captain Fag: "Aaah........little boys! Even better. Chain them up, man-slaves, and bring them to the bonda....I mean, _Black_ Castle."  
  
In The Meantime...  
  
Peter: "If Fag has captured your brothers, the Michael Jacksons will know....." _(proceeds to speak in Michael Jacksonish to a group of eery white shapes that are swimming around in the bay)_

Wendy: "Oh, hello there, little Michael Jackson! Your music is so lovely...."

Michael Jackson 1: "Let me tear off your nose, it's far too big...." (_raises hand to Wendy's face)_

Peter: "Whoo! Aah! And other such Jacksony sounds! Stay away from her!"

Michael Jackson: "Whoo! Aaah! Some beatboxing! Stupid boy!"  
  
The Michael Jacksons swim away while making various clever dance moves. This concludes episode 2.....  
  
(A/N: Thank you, my gentle readers for your appraising reviews! I do believe this chapter is much better than the last, mainly as there were many more chances for shamelessly vulgar innuendo. These chapters are much longer than I expected. I hope to be able to capture everything in four to five chapters, as any more would be too draining for any reader to be expected to endure. But it will continue in much the same manner; stupidly. A bouquet of white lilies to anyone who recognised the Morrissey reference in this chapter. And that was a hint. Oh, and one to who-ever noticed that the phrase "posing somdomite" was literally borrowed from the Marquess of Queensberry. Sincerely, The Duchess)


	3. Chapter 3: Are You Readih For Mih?

_Episode 3: Are You Readeh For Mih?  
_  
And so the Darling children and Princess Lilywhite find themselves in a very snug small sloop with Smee, Pirate 1, and Goth!Fag, draped in a pretty cloak. He must have been mistaking his fandoms again...but at least he wasn't wearing the matching mask. In The Meantime, Peter and Wendy have left the Michael Jacksons and are on their way to find the children....

Goth!Fag: "Do I not look perfectly delicious? And is my gun not enormous? Combined with those appealing children, bound and gagged, the sight will be too alluring for Peter Pants to ignore. And then he shall be mine! MINE!"  
_ (the children and pirates gaze at him in disgusted wonder)_   
Goth!Fag: "..........to kill. Ahem. Mine to kill."

_(Smee and Pirate 1 tie up the children)_   
Smee: "Snazzy castle, this, eh?"

Pirate 1: "Yeah, why didn't JM Barrie think of it?"  
  
In The Meantime...   
Peter Pants: "Wendy, I just realised that Captain Fag has had many more suggestive scenes than me, so I thought this would be a good time for some playing with phallic symbols. Therefore I shall hand you a sword and ask you if you know how to handle it."

Wendy: "Of course I know how to handle a sword, my brothers and I used to play with them all the time."

Peter Pants: "I really didn't need to know that. I think it's best if you stay away from the doubtlessly distressing sight of your brothers chained helplessly but oh so alluringly to a rock."(_he flies away) _

Wendy: ".....Aaaww, and I had so looked forward to playing with swords.......OH WOW! It's Captain Fag! Finally! God, he's got a massive gun...."

Captain Fag: "Oh no, not another idiot hiding from me in an obvious place and my missing them by just a second because of an idiot interrupting me.... Now why does that make me think of Stumpy......" _(pondering this, he walks off, just in time for Wendy to stay unnoticed)_  
  
_(in the castle)_   
Peter Pants: "Well, we definitely cannot better the codfish moment, can we? So....er... I'll have to think of something else.....ah, I know!" (_stands up and starts singing_)   
"He's back, the fag with the hook!   
Back again, the queen of the pirates!   
We go and untie the kids,   
We don't want to miss the adventure!"  
  
Smee and Pirate 1: _(untying the children)_ "This is the faggy life!"  
  
Peter Pants: "I guess it is!"  
  
Smee and Pirate 1: "This time we're gonna fight!" (_the children swim off)  
_  
Peter Pants: "And all you have to do, is think one naughty thought, And you will fly awaaaaaaaay!"  
  
Everyone: "Captain Fag, Captain Fag, and Peter Pants!   
Captain Fag, Captain Fag, and his handbaaaaaag!   
You are such a hag, Captain Fag,   
one can tell by your draaaaag!"  
  
Captain Fag: _(suddenly appearing behind Peter Pants)_ "Revenge is mine!"  
  
Peter Pants: ".....Oh crikey. But argh, that gun is enormous....."  
  
Captain Fag: "Haha! Now I shall plunge my hook in you! Prepare to be deflow....I mean, lose your virg...NO! To die! There, I managed it.." (_he prepares for some serious plunging)_  
  
Peter Pants: "Hey, did you know there is an enormous crocodile behind you? You know, the one who cannot get enough of you?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Nonsense, you're just trying to scare me......if that crocodile was here, I'd be able to hear the stuttering..."  
  
Giant Crododile: "Y-y-y-y-yum, it's C-c-c-captain Fag ! "  
  
Captain Fag : "AAAAh God ! It's the Anthony Blanche Crocodile!" (_he immediately starts screaming like a little girl and scrambling away)  
_  
Peter Pants: "Haha! A good thing I found that Anthony Blanche Crocodile and his taste for queer fish! Now we can get away! Follow me!" _(Peter Pants, the Darling children, and the princess get away)  
_  
Captain Fag: _(to Peter Pants) _"You lost me my servant!!!!! Ooops, wrong fandom again....I mean; AAAAAH!"  
  
And so we leave Captain Fag to be lengthily savoured by the Anthony Blanche Crocodile. The Darling children go to visit the Indians. They pratay. In The Meantime, Wendy and Peter Pants have a quiet moment alone, at the place where the fairies live, without the children......ooh lala. Or not.  
  
Peter Pants: "Look at the pretty fairies dancing...."  
  
Wendy: "Yes, I don't think I've ever seen a more touching rendition of I Will Survive..."  
  
Peter Pants: "Wendy...."  
  
Wendy: "Yes?"  
  
Peter Pants: "I love the clumsy erotic tension between us."  
  
Wendy: "Me too." Peter Pants: "So.....do you want to.....you know?"  
  
Wendy: ".......to what, Peter?"  
  
Peter Pants: "Well, to......you know."  
  
Wendy: ".......yes?"  
  
Peter Pants: "To er.....do what those.....fairies are doing?"  
  
Wendy: "Oh. Er, ahem. I see. Er. Yes. Of course."  
  
Peter Pants (_cheerfully_): "Okay!"  
  
Wendy: "Er.......you did mean playing spanky-spanky, didn't you?"  
  
Peter Pants: "Ooooh! Eeugh! You disgusting pervert, how could you think such a thing? Did you really think I meant anything more dangerous than dancing to I Will Survive?"  
  
Wendy: "Well, yes."  
  
Peter Pants: "Don't you see how intensely threatening that is to my budding sexuality and need to conform to traditional male behavioural patterns?"  
  
Wendy: "No."  
  
Peter Pants: "Oh, you are just....impossible!" (_he flies away_)  
  
Wendy: "Maybe it's just me, but that boy has even more issues than me and my brothers combined."  
  
In The Meantime.......  
Captain Fag has escaped the Anthony Blanche Giant Crocodile, and is watching Wendy and Peter Pants. He does like to watch, our captain. Ahem. Anyway, he does not like the prospect of Wendy and Peter Pants playing spanky-spanky one bit. Then he finds out Tinkerbell has voyeuristic intentions as well....  
  
Captain Fag: "So, you're a fairy....."  
  
Tinkerbell: "Ring ring ring."  
  
Captain Fag: "I don't know what you're saying, but I like the sound of it. Would you like to.......sit on my hook?"  
  
Tinkerbell: "Ring ring ring."  
  
Captain Fag: "Oh you naughty thing, I think perhaps it's a good thing I didn't quite understand that last bit!"  
  
Tinkerbell: "Ring ring, ring ring. Ring ring ring, ring ring ring!"  
  
Captain Fag: "Ach! The Author has ignored your fate since the Killing Wendy thing? How barbarous of her...... But perhaps we can arrange something...Yes...I think you and I should sha....have se......no!...play spa..... dammit! ....talk! Yes, talk! God, I hate that Author..."

And thus ends Episode 3. In Episode 4, Captain Fag abandons all plans of avenging himself on the Author when a very interesting distraction arrives.......exciting!  
  
(A/N: Thanks to Lady Lizzie for mentioning a stuttering crocodile! Anyone who knows who Anthony Blanche is or which word combination I stole from this illustrious character, will be stuck full of barbed arrows like a p-p- pin cushion by the Duchess herself. Oh, and the song Captain Fag was cheerfully adapted from the song Captain Hook by Ch!pz) 


	4. Chapter 4: He Loves To Dance, In His Pir...

_Episode 4: He Loves To Dance, In His Pirate Pants  
_  
  
And so, Wendy goes to bed in her house in the forest which hasn't been previously mentioned but which did exist, and wakes up on the pirate ship. Gasp! Shudder!  
  
Wendy: "Oh. A pirate ship. Hello there, Smee, whose name I know though we haven't been introduced."  
  
Smee: "I will take you....."  
  
Wendy: _(shudder)  
_  
Smee: ".....to see Captain Fag... God I'm good at foreshadowing."  
  
Wendy: "I have a bad feeling about this. And who's that, singing? It sounds like a very gay cat being mauled by a.....great big.....mauling......thing."  
  
Smee: "Oh, that's Captain Fag! He does love to sing, our Captain! Here, I'll show you..."  
  
Captain Fag: _(singing)_   
"Yo ho, yo ho, the frisky plank,   
I'll spank you with it so,   
'til I go down,   
and you goes down,   
to 'Little Fag' below!"   
_(stops singing and advances upon Wendy menacingly)_  
  
Wendy: "Oh dear."  
  
Captain Fag: "Someone, not at all Tinkerbell, you see, told me you have been kidnapped!"  
  
Wendy: "Why, yes. I suppose."  
  
Captain Fag: "Lovely! I love kidnapping. Especially the tying up and the screaming and the struggling.... But, I undress......er, I mean, digress. It's lovely for Peter Pants to have taken you here! Because now you never have to grow up!"  
  
Wendy: "I don't?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Yes, the author did not think that little fact important enough to the plot to be mentioned before, so she has made it my duty to confront you with it. Yes, you will stay a slim, smooth-skinned, nimble child forever......not that I am a paedophile or anything....."  
  
Wendy: "Excuse me?"  
  
Captain Fag: "...............eeerm....nothing! Now, where was I? Oh yes! Well, since it is of course wonderful for you never to grow up, Peter Pants will never grow up either, if you get what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink."  
  
Wendy: "Yes, I was already wondering why he was so reluctant to play spanky- spanky."  
  
Captain Fag: "Yes........ so, now that you will need someone else to play it with... Didst thou ever want to do....I mean, have....er...paste......no, _be_ a pirate?"  
  
Wendy: "A pirate? Me, a little girl, living on a ship with a band of roving pirates? Are you mad?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Well, I was thinking...... you could take off.....I mean, sit on my....ahem! you could tell us your fantas........your eroti........no! drea.........porn.........sla........STORIES! You could tell us _stories_!  
  
Wendy: ".....Right."  
  
Captain Fag: "Yes! And you will have your very own porn star.....I mean, pirate's name!"  
  
Wendy: "Well......okay. But it had better not include the word Busty."  
  
Captain Fag: "Oh, no, of course it won't! Fantastic! We'll give you a testdrive right now!"  
  
Wendy: "A what?"  
  
Captain Fag: "A test.......story?"  
  
Wendy: "Er, okay."  
  
And so Wendy impresses the pirates with her amazing fanfiction writing skills, though she becomes more and more convinced, especially because of their disturbing interest in obscure slash pairings, that they are rather insane, and that this whole Neverland is full of maniacs and it would be better for her to go back home, where at least people repress their warped sexual preferences. She goes to Peter Pants to collect her brothers.  
  
Wendy: "Well, however entertaining that was, I must say you are a very twisted bunch of people. Goodbye, Peter Pants and the Lost Boys."  
  
Lost Boys: "Please take us with you! Don't leave us alone in this sick, perverted place!"  
  
Wendy: "Well, okay.....let's just sneak out before Peter Pants finds out..."   
_(they sneak out)  
_  
Captain Fag: "Surprise!"  
  
Wendy: "Oops."  
  
Pirate 2: "Should we tie 'em up and gag them, or just get out the whip again, Captain?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Hhhmm..... ah, just tie them up and gag them, that's amusing enough." _(remembering many Simpson episodes)_ "Take 'em away, boys." _(the pirates and_ _children leave, while Captain Fag stays behind...)_   
"Let me spy on Peter Pants and....well, spy on him. Just because....... That's what you do with your enemies. Your very sexy enemies..."  
  
Captain Fag clambers down into the house of Peter Pants, until he can't go any further. He contents himself with gazing at the sleeping beauty for the time being, and wonders what it should take to bring this young Adonis into his arms....er, possession.  
  
Captain Fag: _(commuting with ego)_ "Perhaps if I were to put some of these little blue pills that Smee seems to love so much into his drink.... Those always seem to drive the swallower directly into the arms of the nearest man....."  
  
It seems a good enough plan, and so Captain Fag drops one small blue pill into Peter Pants' goblet of....stuff, and leaves again. In The Meantime the Darling children, the Lost Boys and Wendy arrive at the ship, all ready for whatever diabolical scheme Captain Fag has in store for them....  
  
Captain Fag: _(to Wendy) _"I shall now tie you to the penis!"  
  
Wendy: "To the what?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Er.....ahem.....to the mast. Yes, the mast."  
  
Wendy: "Oh, good."   
_(just then, a scream echoes across the vast liquid plains of the ocean)  
_  
Captain Fag: "Ah! A primal scream! Peter Pants is surely coming this way!"  
  
But Captain Fag is rather mistaken.....for it was Tinkerbell who drank the deadly mixture, and is now chasing Peter Pants down like a rampant librarian with a severe hormonal disorder. On this rather disquieting note this episode shall end... In the next episode, Captain Fag and Peter Pants have a violent tête-à- tête, Wendy is confronted with a very long piece of wood, and she and Captain Fag have a little moment together......

(A/N: The Duchess expresses her concern about updating in the immediate future, for, while future episodes are already shaping themselves in the vast spaces of her brain, she has exams to study for and to sit, but she promises to have this ordeal over with in as short a stretch of time as physically possible. Furthermore, she is afraid the plot as a whole is not very consistent, but hopes readers shall readily excuse this in favour of the chaos of the mind that is humour, or, indeed, attempted humour.) 


	5. Chapter 5: He goes? He fights? He flies?

_Episode 5: He goes??? He fights?? He flies??_  
  
When we last laid eyes and other parts of our anatomy on Peter Pants, he was fleeing from the rabid Tinkerbell, and Captain Fag was on the Jolly Roger, waiting for him to fly right into his open le.....arms. Unfortunately for Captain Fag, however, Peter Pants was, not entirely unpleasantly, surprised by a sudden energy surge in Tinkerbell, who had now (over)taken him. Not wishing to take a trip into the realm of the vulgar (no, the author is not a hypocrite.....how dare you suggest such a thing?), we shall not describe exactly what happened, but we shall say that, within minutes, a strange chant began to echo across the island and the oceans of Neverland, a chant so full of sheer exhilaration and catchy sexual energy, that nobody could be left unmoved by it.............

Peter Pants: "I do believe in fairies! I DO! I DO!"  
  
Wendy (_wriggling suggestively_): "I do believe in fairies!"  
  
John and Michael _(looking at each other):_ "I do, I do!"  
  
Lost Boys (_leering and grinning_): "I do believe in faires...."  
  
Pirate 1 (_grabbing Pirate 2_): "I do, I do!"  
  
Pirate 3 (_throwing himself onto Pirate 4):_ "I do believe in fairies..."  
  
Smee (_slowly making his lustful way towards Captain Fag_): "I do, I do!"  
  
Yes, within minutes the until then orderly ship is reduced to one big oozing hormonal chaos, and all were soon merrily jogging in the horizontal fashion. All.......except one.  
  
Captain Fag: "Where _is_ Peter Pants, and why is my entire crew immerged in some kind of.... I don't even want to think about it.... Stop that, you louts! Peter Pants has tricked us!" (_the pirates, slightly put off, stop their activities, get dressed again, re-apply their lipstick, etcetera_)  
  
Wendy: "Oh no, what have we done? He's probably jealous now.."  
  
Captain Fag: "You there!"  
  
Wendy: "Me?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Yes! I want you to tell me what you two did exactly, so I will now what makes him har....exci.... nevermind. I just want to use it against him."  
  
Wendy: "Well, erm, we used to do things with swords....."  
  
Captain Fag: "Swords? I have swords. Very big ones. What else?"  
  
Wendy: "And I told him stories?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Aaah........ what ship are you?"  
  
Wendy: ".....ship?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Yes, do you like Smee/Fag, or Tinkerbell/Fag, or Peter Pants/Fag...."  
  
Wendy: "Er........ they weren't that kind of stories."  
  
Captain Fag: "Er, well, nevermind, then.... What else did you do again? Fly or something?"  
  
Wendy: "Yes."  
  
Captain Fag: "Will you teach me to fly? Nudge nudge, wink wink?"  
  
Wendy: "Rather not."  
  
Captain Fag: "Ah you're no fun. I bet he didn't even tie you up, like I do."  
  
Wendy: "Well, no, he didn't."  
  
Captain Fag: "Maybe it's a good idea if I grab you violently and press my big, hard hook against you_." (proceeds to do so)  
_  
Wendy: "Dear me."  
  
Captain Fag: "Who's the captain now, eh?"  
  
Wendy: ".....you are?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Indeed. Well, now that we have impressed the Freudian point on you, and reduced the part of the audience that fancies men to little molten puddles of arousal, and provoked everyone with no sense of sexuality into a storming rage about paedophilia, let's put you on an enormous piece of wood!" _(he puts Wendy on the plank. The kind of plank that sticks out the side of a ship. Erm. Well, you get our point. That, or some delicious innuendo....the choice is yours)  
_  
Wendy: "A blindfold? This is just getting worse and worse."  
  
The Anthony Blanche Crocodile (_from the ocean):_ "C-c-captain Fag! W-w-what are you doing, lurking up there among the knavest of knaves? W-w-will I have to c-c-come up there and _sniff_ you out? You c-c-cannot f-f-fool me, your _delicious_ scent is already b-b-burning in m-m-my _eager_ nostrils, I shall f-f-follow your trail and _hunt_ you _down,_ my dear!"  
  
Captain Fag: "Oh, no, it's the Anthony Blanche Crocodile! Maybe I can fool him by giving him this girl instead of me... Get off the bloody plank!" _(Wendy falls tragically to her death.....)  
_  
Smee: "Rather odd how she didn't hit the water but was rescued by that flying boy...."  
  
Captain Fag: "Yes, the beast must have swallowed her whole!"  
  
Smee: "It swallows?"  
  
Captain Fag _(gleefully):_ "It most certainly does!"  
  
Smee: "I'm not going to ask how you know that."  
  
Captain Fag: "You shouldn't. Oh, look, it's Peter Pants with Wendy in his arms. How very odd."  
  
Pirates: "Let us have him, captain!"  
  
Captain Fag: "Leave him! He's MINE!"  
  
Pirates: "The worst thing about that line is that it's actually in the film."  
  
Peter Pants: "Quite. Let's have a sword duel."  
  
Captain Fag: "Mine's bigger than yours anyway! Ha!" _(they fight)  
_  
Peter Pants: "You may have some delicious innuendo lines, but it must say something that all your guns and swords are so absolutely massive. Compensation?"  
  
Captain Fag: "No, balance.... If I don't have enough weight on top, I'll fall down! Anyway, now I will grab your peni.....co.....FAIRY!"  
  
Peter Pants: "My what?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Your fairy. You need fairy jizz to fly, don't you?"  
  
Peter Pants: "Oh no, he has discovered my secret!"  
  
Captain Fag: "Indeed! Now, I shall explain the Freudian point of the book to you. Rejoice. And then I will plunge my hook in you in slow motion. Just to make my hair look better."  
  
Peter Pants: "Ah no! Your hair does look fantastic! And I am just lying here, half-naked, vulnerable, defenceless, and so very attractive...." _(Captain Fag plunges in slow motion)  
_  
Wendy _(at normal speed):_ "No, he's mine!" _(she asserts some sexual possessiveness)_  
  
Captain Fag: "But..............I thought he was...."  
  
Peter Pants: "No! Fooled you there, didn't I, with the turning pink and everything?"  
  
Captain Fag: "Yes, you were _pink_!"  
  
Peter Pants: "Well, now that I am sure Wendy wants me more than you, I will get rid of your sexually threatening presence by giving you to the Anthony Blanche Crocodile!" _(he lures Captain Fag to the sky over the ocean)  
  
_Anthony Blanche Crocodile: "Oh, C-c-captain F-f-fag ! I should like to w-w- wear you out like an old overcoat !"  
  
Captain Fag: "Nooo! I cannot believe I am actually screaming like a little girl!"  
  
Anthony Blanche Crocodile: "How _utterly_ ridiculous you are! C-c-come here and let me see whether you t-t-taste as lovely as you look!"  
  
Captain Fag: "Oh well, I give up."  
  
Anthony Blanche Crocodile: "Y-y-yum y-y-yum!"  
  
(A/N : Well, there we are, the second to last instalment. We can only hope and pray that this was as entertaining as it should have been, as there was so much plot to get through this time. We are no great fans of plots. They only stand in the way of wit. In any case, the last episode is already coming up.... Even if it doesn't have Captain Fag in it, it does have Mr Fag....er, Darling... And the ending, so that part of it at least is satisfying. Oh, and we thank you heartily for your warm-bodied reviews, you little charmers!) 


	6. Chapter 6: Freud, you say?

_Episode The Last: Freud, You Say??_  
  
And so, Peter Pants is obviously the better, if not the sole remaining, man of the two, and now has a very enormous....hat too. Everybody boards the Jolly Roger, and they sail back to London across the BBC.  
  
John: "Hey, why isn't our father in his doghouse?"  
  
Michael: "Yes, he's always in his doghouse on Sunday night, just after mother has wound up the clock, and then they go to the bedroom to have some hot cocoa......."  
  
Wendy: "Am I the only sexually healthy person here?"   
(_John and Michael stare at her)_   
_(she sighs)_ "Nevermind. Let's just go to bed."   
_(John and Michael start grinning)  
_ "NO, not in that way, you little freaks.."  
  
And so they go to their beds, where they wait patiently for their parents to join....er, find them. Where the Lost Boys and Peter Pants are during this time, is not entirely clear, though the author has a slight, mainly shrubbery-related, idea.  
  
Mrs Darling: "Oh no, the children are back..... Maybe if I pretend not to notice them, they'll go away again." _(she stalks off_)  
  
Wendy: "Hey, she just pretended we're not there! Oi, get back here!"  
  
Mrs Darling: "Fiddlesticks. I mean, hello my lovely children, I am so glad to have you back... Oh Captai.......er, George, look who are back!" _(Mr Darling joins them)  
_  
Mr Darling: "What? Who? Oh, children....must....repress.....must.......repress...."  
  
Wendy: "Is it just me, or does he look an awful lot like Captain Fag?"  
  
Mr Darling: "Captain Fag? NO, no, not Captain Fag, I mean, he's a pirate, and I'm a loveable, neurotic, repressed gentleman! Heehee! See how loveable and neurotic I am?"  
  
Wendy: "How do _you_ know who Captain Fag is?"  
  
Mr Darling: "Erm......er.....Captain _who_, you say? Heehee?"  
  
Wendy: "Captain Fag."  
  
Mr Darling: "Captain Fag, what kind of a name is that? Though he sounds rather.... er, terrifying. Yes, terrifying. Heehee, I am neurotic and repressed."  
  
Wendy: _(shivers)  
_  
Mr Darling: "And and and..... I can't be Captain Fag, because I love children!" _(to prove his point, he hugs John and Michael)  
_  
Wendy: "Yes, that's what worries me...." (_right on cue, the Lost Boys come in)  
_  
Lost Boys: "Give us a mother, we want to be Freudian too."  
  
Mrs Darling: "I'll be your mother."  
  
Uncanon Aunt: "Yes, but let me have that one boy, the faggy one, even though I've just appeared out of thin air."  
  
Mr Darling _(hopefully):_ "Anyone for a pony ride? On me?"  
  
And so, they live happily ever after. The children have mothers, Mrs Darling has an army of man slaves, and Mr Darling is being ridden. Yes, it was a most perfect life for all of them. Except for that odd voyeuristic boy, who was still gazing at them through the window.  
  
Voyeuristic Boy (Peter Pants, remember?): "To shag..... must be an awfully big adventure."

THE END  
  
..............or is it?(A/N: Yes it is. It was a pretty crummy end, but that was the best pun the Duchess' now proudly academic mind could come up with. Yes, she has survived her first year at university, and has proudly crowned herself Queen of Syntax. Who-ever spotted the "Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman" references in this Chapter, shall be crowned King of Literature, and we shall marry royally and have many aristocratic babies. Furthermore, the title and several descriptions relating to George Darling were inspired by icons made by the beautiful Chronographia. I would give you the link to them, but fanfiction.net does not do links, so you will have to sniff her out on livejournal or somewhere else and beg her on your well-kept middle class knees for the privilege of viewing and using them. So, my dears, this is what it is like to say goodbye. I am sure you will all miss me far more than I shall miss you. See you in my next story, sincerely yours, The Duchess. PS: we are not plural.) 


End file.
